Happy Birthday Mom

Thu, 03 Feb 2005 20:10:07 GMT

Mom, I love you, you have been there through some rough times over that past years, I know Ive dissapointed you some, but you have never dissapointed me.

for you to read

Tue, 01 Feb 2005 07:27:23 GMT

To give or give up

I try, god I try. I walk my shoes everyday knowing that things always can and will be better. Even writing this now I know this. But why, FUCKIN WHY! It happens every fucking time. No one ever understands me. Try to go through life and understand this. Everyone talks about there own fucking problems. What fucking problems. They are always miniscule things. Why am I the only one who has to be involved in everyone elses own inner demons. I enjoy life, and I get what im supposed to do with it. I say I feel like I know what im doing. I try to keep that persona so I don’t lose a sense of myself. Most people who say they have problems don’t have problems. They are just too fucking lazy themselves to try and fix it. I go to school, carry a job, and at the same time try my hardest to do good in both. I love my parents. I try my hardest to make sure I never dissapoint them, but sometimes shit happens. It hurts to dissapoint them, it really does.
My parents mean the world to me. I don’t think I can even express there importance, but then again who can I really express my true feelings to? God? *I was mad at him at this moment, we have made amends* Fuck no, if hes there what does he fucking care. Im the bastard child to him. A creation of his gone bad. What the fuck did I ever o directly to him? I tried when I was young. It never helped. I was still that outcast geek who played videogames and lived in fantasy world to get away from things. What are these things I try to get away from. Everyone. Everyone will never get it. Every needs too much. I only need simple things. What the fuck is money? We always want it, but never appreciate it when we have it. Its like a standard to how important we really are. Isnt that how you keep friends. People only want to be around so they can be entertained. Entertainment. When its gone, then what the fuck do we do. Entertainment is the worst drug of all. The more you have, the hardest it is to get the same high. Like movies? Watch a lot of em, im sure youll get sick of it soon enough and need something else. Like parties, go to em. Before long you need em to be bigger and better. Want friends? Make em, before long they have to fit your every whim. Once they aren’t entertaining, its time to fuckin leave. Nothing new here. Same old shit. That’s why marriages don’t work today. It’s the same ol shit. No one can stand the same ol shit anymore. Everyone has to act like there life is gonna end right away. But you cant shrug away your own feelings for entertainment. Ever sit with a bunch of friends while bored. I have, but do I regret it? No. Who cares. So we are all bored. I have always taken comfort in the fact that I don’t need that entertainment.. Ill sit and be bored with ya. As little kids it was easy to do that. But we started with small entertainment, and for some reason, it always needs to be bigger. Even im guilty of this from time to time. Im always needing more, blaming others for not satisfying it. Ive never had many truly satisfying moments to be lost in. Im a fucking geek. That’s what I look and seem like. I like to write, talk, play games and write music. I don’t like sports, I don’t like chaos, I like understanding. I like things to be fair. Not eye for an eye fair. But understandingly fair. But the world can never be fair because we are all so fucking greedy, always wanting more but can never stop and take the sour. We all need the sour. The sweet is never as good without the sour. I see people who always have to have the sweet. They always have to fucking party. They always have to do something. Please just SETTLE THE FUCK DOWN!!!! Sit,
R-E-L-A-X its not fucking impossible. Everyone needs food, clothing, and shelter. But everyone also needs fucking discipline. People need to know when too much is too much. Addictions are examples of this. People never care about how its affecting them at the moment. People always get pissed when someone tries to help them with them also. They always talk about wanting to quit acting a certain way, but when help comes, what happens? They freak out on you. No one can be given help. Help isn’t entertainment. Help always seems like a disease someone is trying to give you. No one ever appreciated help. Im tired of fucking entertaining. Im tired of helping. Im tired of being a fuckin puppet. My music is the only thing that’s not connected to a string. I don’t write to please anyone. No one really appreciates my music. Yah family and a few friends like it, but no one really cares. I never here anyone ask me to play them something. Cause once is enough. They odnt need to hear the shit again. But its cool. Its mine. Its me, every fucking note, every fucking lyric. Im pleasing no one. And it feels fucking good. People talk about how I tend to not listen to them at times and just give a quick answer like ok, or no problem. Do people not know how much retarded shit comes out of there mouths sometimes. Sometimes you’ve just heard too much. I don’t mind listening to it. But people always fuckin blame me of not paying attention. Well then don’t fucking talk to me while im doing something like watching TV or playing a game, or reading or something. I do those things to get away. If you want to talk, then either wait or make sure you have my attention. Im not a therapist, im not a shrink, im not a phone you can just talk into. Im changing, and its not good. I used to be really nice, but I slowly become more cynical and hateful. I hate it, cause it puts your own self in a bad mood more and more. Im all about forgiveness and second chances. But how many fuckin times do I have to hear im sorry in my life. How many times do my parents have to hear im sorry from me. I love being carefree. Part of being carefree is to let things slide every once in a while and to always take things from both point of views. Do unto others as you would like done to you. Sounds fuckin childish doesn’t it. But does anyone really ever think about how important that fuckin statement really is? Do people not get that if they went by it things would be better. But we always have to have fucking revenge, so we go out of our way to do shit! Why the fuck do we do this? What happened to dignity and honor. Why cant we just be happy with the fact that we don’t have to be affected by what others do. Why do we always have to find some way to make sure the people around us feel the pain we feel. It goes back to being entertained. We think pain is the only thing to subsitute entertainment. The pain of others. That’s why I hate being the nice guy. Its never the thing to do. Make one fucking mistake and poof, theres nothing you can do. People hate mistakes. I hate asking for help. Everytime I do people think they can fix em by relating it to there problems. Please shut the fuck up. Your problems are not my problems. My problems in turn aren’t yours. I give or give up. I choose to give, why? Fuck them. That’s why. Im different. So fuck everyone. I like how I fucking do things. Cause deep down inside, Im made of something more. Pride, honor, forgiveness, courage, and patience. We all need to sit and think about it all. At times I regret who I am, but when your different its hard. An outcast isn’t something you can take up easily. Im non emotional to people, but im still emotional. People care. Im not saying no one does. Im just saying they don’t understand. For what its worth. All they I have said means nothing, cause Id only understand it. Fuck it all. Understanding. That’s really all that we have to do. Is understand why we do what we do. But sorry was never an understanding person was it. Well to say the least, to whoever I might have pissed off on the way. Im sorry, I wish I understood. But most of all, Im sorry for myself, because I still have to tie these strings back on my arms and please others. I just hope I don’t fuck up again. I just don’t want to fuck up again. I don’t think I could take anymore from me or anyone else. Im sorry I couldn’t have made this clearer. Im sorry if no one can understand. Im sorry if you read this. Im sorry I couldn’t give more. Im sorry there wasn’t enough said. Im sorry everything is so fucked up. Im sorry that im fucking sorry. Im sorry I think your fucking problems don’t mean shit. Im sorry that mine don’t mean shit either. Sorry im in a bad mood. Im sorry this ever came out. But when you have to start pleasing others again, you have to be sorry you ever stopped even for a second to think about yourself, because we all live once and who wants to fucking think about themselves all the time. Lets save the planet, lets quit polluting, no more killing, no more hunger, no more anythings. Hahaha, fuck, who am I kidding. There is a problem, there is a solution. But both are too damn hard for even me to understand. So fuck it. Things will always change. Change is the eternal constant I always look forward to, because nothing never stays bad. Its how we look at things. Because all I need is my own thoughts and actions that I believe are true. One day Ill meet someone who understands this too. And together maybe we might reach another person about this fact. We take things too seriously. We act too seriously. We live life too seriously. This isn’t deep. This isn’t new. We have all always known about this. But can anyone truly believe in change. To know its actually there to help you? I don’t ask for help, cause I don’t need it. Things will change. The situation will change, and I will change. Im wrong and sometimes right. I don’t hold answers. I don’t hold anything. But I do hold my own self to a standard that keeps things simple and carefree. I don’t need to be constantly entertained. Cause entertainment is overrated. Maybe we need to fix our own problems before we can really gripe about others. I still have my own. I have my own problems that need to be fixed first. I just hope I don’t make more before I fix my own. Oh well…… im tired, tomorrow is a new day. How I feel about things tomorrow will change. Why? Because ignorance is bliss. And ignoring the truth around me is easier than fucking crying about it. Im made of stronger stuff. There will always be problems. I just live knowing that truth. I don’t like being pissed. Anger never fixed anything. The whole point is that we are rational human beings. Anger destroys rationality. This was all created on irrational thoughts. Maybe ill entertain myself to a movie before I go to sleep.

………..sorry……….

I guess I start here.

Tue, 05 Oct 2004 08:14:19 GMT

Garrett: Im lucky I have a friend like Garrett in the world. I can call him at anytime 24/7 and he will actually listen to anything I have to say. I look up to Garrett, because he is by far the nicest person I have ever met. He is self sacrificing, yet extremely intelligent. He knows what is going on in the world around him. He is my better half, a life without Garrett is a life without a sense of control.

Anthony: You have all the charisma I wish I had. You dont have fear in being yourself, even though you come out as an ass when you do it :) But, you have always been there to support my ideas, and challenge me to do something more with myself.

Craig: Yet another nice guy, but the difference with you craig, is you look into the inherent worth in peoples personalities. You always look at people to see how their uniqueness can influence you.

Evan: The slient friend, who says more with a stare than any friend could. You understand me without words. We are around eachother all the time, but have to say very little to communicate worlds. We understand who we are as people, and I look up to the fact that you have truly found yourself. Your a great human being, who tends to give more than recieve.

Christina: No one could ask for a better friend. Your basically my sister. I talk to you about everything and anything. Youve seen me in my most emberrassing and vulnerable moments. You know me inside out, and will always speak up when im out of line. I wouldnt be able to remind myself who I was, if it wasnt for you seeing who I truly am.

Shane: Another quiet friend, who understand the working of the human soul better than no other. You understand music and how it rocks the world. Weve known eachother for a few years, but what weve shared musically spans decades.

Sam: My young, growing friend. I see a fire in your eyes, be sure to direct it towards a bright future. You have much to learn in this world still Sam, but you have a brightness in your eyes, that shows depth and understanding. I cant wait to see who you become in a few years.

Randy: Your my favorite cousin. Your stuck in Florida, or should I say, Im stuck in Oklahoma right now. I cant wait till our lives intersect once more.

Joe: Your mental, but your strong man, I cant wait to see what comes out of our lives. We both are in the same boat when it comes to school. Hopefully we both make it to shore.

Maurie: You have just stepped into my life. Your a burst of energy, though it seems Ive caught the tail end of that. I see a very confused person now. Your a beautiful person on the inside. If you would just let it shine, and not let other people like friends and parents smother it. You remind me alot of what i once wanted out of life. I hope things go well in the future for you, especially in your relationship with Nik. Because if he means everything you say he does to you, then you should be a happy person down the road as long as he feels the same. Im interested in seeing who you become over the next few months. It seems im around at an important time in your life, when your finally starting to become Maurie.

Tim: Youve made so many mistakes in life. Your a great guy, Who truly deserves only good things in the world. It saddens me to think of all the pain youve seen growing up. I wish I could stop the pain you feel now. Know that alcohol could never solve those problems. I as a friend, hope I can help solve them for you.

Tyler *Tick Tock* : We have only begun to write music, your the hurricane in my life that is soon gonna hit, when our music is created.

Dirk: Stay crazy man, your intelligent as fuck, and im interested to see where your life is gonna lead.

These are just some of my friends. At the moment these are the friends influencing my life the most.

Guess there is always a time and place.

Tue, 05 Oct 2004 07:41:04 GMT

I guess this will be a start on my entry into the world outside my world. So everyone may see. Where do I begin? Do I start by talking about myself. Maybe, but that would be expected, so maybe Ill start with the friends I know, and why they have helped create the person I am today.

braigonthyngs

Happy Birthday Mom

for you to read

I guess I start here.

Guess there is always a time and place.